All Natural

All Natural is such an ambiguous statement. A lot of companies slap “All Natural” on their product to make it sound healthier.  If it’s a package of stir fry, and it’s labeled all natural I just roll my eyes. Of course it’s all natural! It’s got chicken and various veggies, all of which are grown on God’s green earth, and by default are natural. That’s like holding up a 4x4 block of wood and saying, lookie, this is all natural, so let’s charge more.

A cleaning solution made with all natural ingredients? Ok, sounds more impressive, right? I’ll agree, but then I’ll look on the ingredients list and it’s full of random crap I’ve never heard of.  I thought I was going to see stuff like citric acid, honey and the sweat of a burly man.

Then I think, couldn't a substance made from anything available on Earth be considered natural?

I looked up an all natural cleaning product and it boasted “No Ammonia, Formaldehyde, Chlorine, Petrochemicals, Benzene, 1,4-Dioxane or Phosphates.”  Then I pick a random ingredient to see what exactly it’s made of. I Google Chlorine, and up pops the following: “Chlorine is a natural chemical element”. Hmmm, interesting. Chlorine is all-natural folks, so it’s ok!

Wanna know what else is all natural?
Heroine
Weed
Tobacco

Why am I only able to think of things you can smoke?  I can do better.

Toilet paper
Leather bound books
My underwear (cotton breathes)

You get the idea.

Wendy's just came out with their Natural Cut French Fries with Sea Salt. Oh boy, here we go. It’s cut naturally! As opposed to how they cut them before. Basically, they just leave the peel on.  I think they’re getting the better end of the deal ‘cause they no longer have to peel their potatoes before they cut them, freeze them, ship them out and deep fry them in fat.  I looove when people specify that the salt is sea salt.  Sounds pretty spiffy, huh?  But is sea salt healthier than good ol' Salt Lake salt?  Salt is just salt!  Whether it came out of the sea, or some other random source, it's still salt!

Whenever I hear about Bare Minerals I'm in the hypothetical crowd, golf clapping with awe.  Then I got to thinking.  How come they never tell us what kind of mineral I'm rubbing on my face?  Is it really as classy as I think?  Maybe it's a great shade of dirt dug out of some guy's backyard?  If it's so wonderful I would like to hear a geologist give its class and in what era it was dug out of. 

Lucky for you, I did a little bit of research, and by that I mean I Googled "What is the scientific name for mineral powder?"  I found out it's called "Streak".  So, that actually answered that.

No one wants to buy a product called Bare Streak.
Although, I'm not sure bare should be used in any product used to cover things up.  But that's just me.