That One Time I Beat the System

For some odd reason I was thinking about when I used to live in Washington.  I thought about how I became a major hoarder.  Not the kind of hoarder that I would earn me a spot on TLC, but I became a money hoarder.  It was remarkable (for me, at least) how much I had in savings. 

For those of you who don't know the story (I'll try to be quick about it), when I was 19 me and two friends decided we were going to live outside of Utah in the name of adventure and experiencing life outside of happy valley.  Two weeks later I packed whatever I could fit into my little blue Dodge Neon, and with 200 bucks in my back pocket drove to Washington. 

I knew going into it that it was only temporary, I would be coming home once my apartment contract was up in six months.  Always in the back of my mind was the thought that I would be going home eventually, and consequently a deep paranoia set in that I wouldn't have enough money to make it home. 

So, I became a money hoarder.  I took frugal to extremes, counting each cent, and wary of spending anything I saved as if my life depended on it.  'Cause I thought it did.

My friend was working at Blockbuster, and they came out with a new program to buy used DVDs, and we hatched a glorious plan.  It was a many stepped plan, so I hope I can explain this so it makes sense.

1. We went to the dollar store, where I bought 12 DVDs for $12. 

2. Next, we went to Blockbuster, and sold our DVDs.  Because Blockbuster had a guarantee that they would not buy a DVD for less than $5 I got $5-$10 for each of my dollar store DVDs.

3. Blockbuster only gave store credit, so I used the store credit to get the most expensive thing they sold that was brand new, which was a DVD box set of the TV show 24 (in its hey day they were expensive).  I also had store credit left.

4.Next, I took my brand new box set to Walmart, who was selling it for more than Blockbuster was, and returned it for a hefty gift card.  Figuratively hefty, the card actually weighed the same regardless of the amount on the card.

5. Lastly, I bought the box set I was really pining for but was too cheap to buy myself, which was Alias, with Jennifer Gardner.  I also got a CD and had money left over on my gift card.

In those days I knew my way around the Walmart return policy like the back of my hand, and knew how to work the system to get what I wanted.  Though, nothing quite as elaborate at that.  I could liken watching that DVD to the end of Ocean's 11, where they are all watching the Bellagio Fountain.

If Ducks Try To Take Over The World, I Have The Secret Weapon

Sunday night/Father's Day, Jordan and I went over to his dad's house to watch some home videos of Jordan as a wee young thing.  BTW, Jordan in yellow Care Bear pajamas bouncing on the bed, priceless.

We brought the dogs along, for funsies.  After we were finished enjoying Jordan's youth, we decided to see what would happen if we put the dogs in the backyard with their two pet ducks.

Brighton is afraid of everything, and I have to admit I was curious how he would react to ducks.  I was sure that the ducks would attack Brighton while he cowers in fear.

Turns out the only thing Brighton is not afraid of, are ducks.  He tore across that yard like a feral animal I have never seen before and chased those ducks up and down the yard.  Those poor ducks were beside themselves with fear.  They ran into anything in their path, stumbling like drunken babies, while desperately attempting to flee that Boy.

Turns out, not all ducks fly.  Some just...fall.  One was so afraid he fell/suicide jumped into the window well.  It was quite the thunk as he landed.  Perhaps he thought this was the best place for him to ride out the terror.  I wish I had taken a picture, but because I didn't, yet wanted you to get the full imagery, I used my limited photo editing skills to provide you a likeness of this event.  Only pretend the window well is twice as deep, and dark as the devil's insides.  It was nighttime, you see.

I went back inside to take the pups in, and break the news that we may or may not have caused their duck to leap blindly into a deep dark window well.  I came back out and the second duck was tittering pathetically and I went to give it some comfort and either I scared it, or Brighton charging back out of the house scared it, but the second one flung itself into a second window well.

To reiterate: two ducks, two window wells.

Jordan played the role our genders dictated and was the one to climb down there (seriously, they were deep) and lifted the ducks out.  I was so glad he was the man and I could be the pansy woman fretting on the sidelines, window wells are prime breeding grounds for spiders.  I didn't tell Jordan this until after he got out.

The ducks have been saved and are no more worse for the wear, though it's difficult to tell if we caused serious brain damage as ducks are already pretty brainless.

I also came out of this confident that should ducks decide to wage war against humans I would be able to stand behind my brave duck-terrorizer of a dog.

Just A Theory

Headaches are basically swelling in the brain causing pressure against your skull, right?  And what do you do when any part of your body swells?  You put ice on it to bring the swelling down, yes?  That being the case, wouldn't the perfect solution to a headache be a big fat brain freeze?

So, if you get a headache, eat a sh*t-load of ice cream!

You're welcome, I just cured your headache, and given you a reason to buy a big 'ol carton of your favorite ice cream in the name of medicine.

Note:  I am not doctor, though I feel like all it really takes is a skill with Google.  I did no research on the matter, and have little desire to.  Just like I'm uninterested in hearing if I'm wrong, 'cause you can bet I'm going to be using my next headache as an excuse to enjoy some delicious frozen delights.

If You Could Change One Thing

                                        

What really bothers me is when a girl is posed with the question, "If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be?" and the dumb girl says "Absolutely nothing, I love him just the way he is." And she probably finishes off with an annoying overly feminine giggle.

Really?  Really?  Reeeeeeeeeaaallllllly?

There isn't a single thing you would change about your guy?  You wouldn't change him biologically so that he is no longer able to fart?  You wouldn't make him suddenly have a hankering for doing the dishes?  You wouldn't change his aversion to vacuuming and his love of ball-itching?

I know exactly what I would change about Jordan.  I pray that I come across a genie so that I may have three wishes, and all three wishes would be used on this one thing to make sure it works.  I love that man and I can deal with any vices or shortcomings, save one.  It all comes down to three little words, and my dearest hope that I never have to hear them again.

"Are you for real?"

I'm no mathematician, but I realize that's four words and not three.  I said three words because statistically they average to three anyway, as they have been melded and evolved to variations including but not limited to, "Ya'll fer real?", "Ya fer real?" and my least favorite and completely rushed, "Ya fer ra?"

Those words have lost all meaning to me.  I can no longer imagine how they might have been used in a normal setting.  Jordan responds to nearly everything I say with those words.

"Do you want lasagna for dinner?"  "You for real?"

"Don't leave your snot rags lying around, the dogs eat them and shred them up."  "Ya'll fer rall?"

"Do you wanna go see a movie?"  "Youffer real?"

I feel a little bit like The Incredible Hulk because every time he says it my blood pressure gets higher and higher until Hulk SMASH!  I let out all the frustration and take the phrase literally.

"YES, I am "for real", I for really want to go to the movies.  When I said I wanted to go to the movies I wasn't just tricking you, I was for real"!

To which he responds, "Are you for real with that?"

Be honest peeps, what would you really change about your snookums?

Enlarged

I love when a company has to put a little note on their product's packaging to inform us that the photo has been enlarged.

'Cause you know some mofo out there cracked open this bag of cough drops and was pissed to find that it does not contain cough drops the size of a small rodent.

The First Time I Was Pulled Over

My dad was in charge of teaching all six of us kids to drive, and once we had our learner's permit he would take us to a church parking lot to practice before letting us go out on the road.  We had been to the parking lot several times, and I was getting frustrated that he wouldn't let me take it out on the road to do some real people driving.  He wouldn't even let me drive the car home. 

Meanwhile, my older brother, Sbrandon, was letting me drive his truck all over the place whenever I went somewhere with him.  One time he said I could drive his truck only if I promised to not use the brake.  You know, for funsies.  We were up in the foothills hiking, and true to my word we tore down the steep hill to our neighborhood.  I still wonder how we survived that.

Back to the story...

I could hardly believe my ears when my dad told me to go ahead and make a right out of the parking lot.  The neighborhood around this particular church was very suburban and quiet with little traffic, unless you count the kiddies on bikes.  Which is probably why he chose the area. 

I was ecstatic, I was so cool, I was cruising 'round the hood, lookin' fly, rollin' hot 'cause I am driving!  Then I saw lights flashing behind me.  These particular lights were red and blue. 

My heart stopped, my entire body went numb and all coherent thought was lost as a jumble of thoughts ran through my head.

My first time legally driving and I was getting pulled over!
My siblings are never going to let me live this down. 
What if this means I can't get my license? 
Will they take my learner's permit away?
I wasn't even speeding, what did I do wrong?
What do I do?  Is there a special procedure for pulling over?  What if I pull over wrong, then what?!
Why are there so many kids on bikes?  They are clustering around my car!

My dad very calmly talked me through my panic and instructed me to pull over, put it in park and roll my window down.  I managed to do so, but was a nervous wreck.

I could hear him approaching, and could see out of the corner of my eye that he was approaching, but was scared to make eye contact with the long arm of the law.  I finally turned to look at the officer as he came up to my window. . .

It was my brother. 

My oldest brother, Jared, is a Police Officer for San Juan County and was up for something or other, probably training.  He got to my parents' house while we were out driving and apparently couldn't resist finding us, and because my dad took us all to the same spot to practice Jared knew exactly where to look.

The posse of little kids riding their bikes got a good show though.  They saw a girl getting pulled over, then said girl call the officer a jerk and lean out the window to hit the officer.

If you're wondering, the kind officer let me keep my learner's permit.