Thank you, Insomnia

Last night's bout of insomnia brought forth great treasures.  I finally gave up trying to sleep and got out of bed and did the dishes.  Naturally you're thinking, why weren't they done before you went to bed anyway?  I would tell you that Sundays are incredibly lazy days, as God intended.  He even took a rest on that day.  I'd probably also tell you mind your own business.

Brighton even came to keep me company, but really he probably thought his chances of getting a treat were better if he spent time with the person in the kitchen, rather than the one that was in bed.  He was right; for his loyalty I gave him a treat of dried yams.  If I have to be on a diet then so does he.  I emptied the dishwasher, filled it again and wiped the kitchen counters down to an impressive sheen and made Jell-O with mandarin oranges.  'Cause... well, it's yummy and it would provide me with a snack on the morrow.  No matter how old I get I still feel like I need an after-school snack.

Then I took enough Melatonin to make a cow pass out and went back to bed. . . And figured out how to navigate should I be lost in the wilderness without the use of stars, or mossy tree trunks.  I can't take full credit since the idea was planted in my head when Jordan and I were watching a movie earlier about a group of men that escaped a POW work camp during WWII and walked from Siberia to India.  Which would be like walking from the US west coast to the east coast and back again.  They kept sticking a pine cone in the dirt, standing over it with one foot on either side.  The movie didn't explain what they were doing, but I had to assume they were navigating.

Because I was lying in bed not sleeping I had time to work out what they were doing.  The sun rises in the East, and sets in the West, so in the morning wherever the sun is would be East.  Since they were going South and wanted to make sure they weren't meandering in a south-east or south-west direction they stuck a pine cone in the dirt and the shadow stretching behind it would be West.  Sticking a foot on either side would represent North and South, the left foot North and the right foot south, if you're facing East that is.

Because I want to ensure you also don't get lost in the wilderness, I drew you a handy diagram.  I'm no artist though, so the perspective leaves a lot to be desired, this I realize.

So when if you get lost in the middle of nowhere you can think back to my expert rendering and will be thanking my insomnia.  I, however, will be thanking my insomnia a lot sooner when I get off work and have Jell-O waiting for me in the fridge.

How To Survive an Alien Attack

Recently I have had four very vivid dreams about aliens attacking us.  One was scary, the second a coincidence and after the third I was convinced that these dreams were sent to me directly from the aliens themselves.  I believe they are testing out their methods of invasion on the human subconscious, to see how we might react when they invade.

Of course, their plan has backfired as now I know all their secrets and am fully prepared for an attack.  Because I care deeply about the human race, and its subsequent survival, I will share with you how to survive when the aliens come.

When you see the giant mother ship your first intinct is to either stop and stare, or freak out.  Neither of these will help you; they will send out their fighter jets lickity split, and those buggers are fast ya'll.  So gather your loved ones and make it to a safe place quickly.  You're going to want to get home, and I can't blame you 'cause that was what I wanted as well.  But that's what they want you to do.  They line their fighter jets up and down the streets and fire directly into the houses, knowing that's where people seek cover in.  This isn't so bad because they haven't figured out bombs yet, they just shoot large egg-shaped metal chunks, and are essentially punching holes into houses.  To outsmart them all you have to do is lay in your backyard, out in the open.  They don't expect that, and don't look for you there.  If you can build an underground bunker, all the better.

If you don't have a backyard and live in condos or apartments then you're going to have a much different experience.  They let groups of aliens off the ship to go through the apartments and clear them out manually.  You're probably thinking this sounds much worse, but while scary as all get out, you have a pretty good shot at coming through, and I'll tell you why.  They don't use firearms, they use swords.  They also do not fully understand what humans are capable of and are just as scared of us.  That is what's going to save you; they hesitate before attacking and very nervous about it.  Just make your move quickly, attack first and you'll be A-OK 'cause they die pretty easily.  I recommend keeping your own sword by the door of your house to be safe and prepared.

While lacking firearms and missiles, they do employ fireballs.  So have a lot of rootbeer on hand 'cause I learned from one dream that in a pinch rootbeer works great to put out fires, and you can shake it up so when opened the pressurized rootbeer will shoot up to get the higher flames you can't reach.

And the last point to remember is not to hate the individual alien, they are just following orders, and some of them are good chaps.  While they don't successfully take over Earth because we have the best military and were simply no match, some aliens stay behind to live amongst the humans 'cause we are that awesome.

I hope my tutorial has helped, and in the future you're able to survive the alien onslaught.

This guy already has a head start in defeating the alien race.  Way to go, comrade!

ZOO!

Sweet sassy molassy!  I haven't posted in a while, and I have a legitimate and valid excuse for this.

It's called laziness and procrastination.

A couple weeks ago my family and I, which includes my parents, siblings, and their kids, went to the zoo.  We had a grand ol' time.  I have been to the zoo a bunch, and for some reason it never gets old to me. 

After the first exhibit I sat down on a bench waiting for the rest of the family as they gathered the kids up to move on.  A guy came out of the building I was sitting in front of and I thought to myself, "That guy looks like David Boreanaz!  Wait, that is David Boreanaz!"

I watched him walk away before commencing my freak out.  I ran up to my sister and latched onto her arm and tried to use my best inside voice so David couldn't hear me talking about him, and told my sister that David Boreanaz was right over there.  I told my mom and she started to say how cute he is, but then noticed my dad standing right there and instead discreetly waggled her eyebrows at me.  Nice.

We pretty much followed behind him as we moved from exhibit to exhibit, and I tried not to stare.  I didn't want to go bug him since he was trying to have a day off with his family.  But, pictures were discreetly taken.

Here's a delightful little tidbit, in Bones his character is known for wearing funny socks all the time.  And at the zoo he was wearing crazy stripey ones.  Oh, David, you're so silly. 

What a California Dreamboat.

Then we met up with my friend, Maggie, who is a zookeeper and she gave us the VIP treatment and brought out animals for us to see and pet.  

At the end of the day my mom asked the little kids what their favorite part of the day was, and they said Maggie bringing out the animals.  If you asked us big kids, we would say that our favorite part was Maggie telling the kids not in our group that had surrounded us and the animals to go away.  David Boreanaz has nothing on us.